The Forces of Darkness

Apocalypse Update

bugroupq — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 10:35:03 +0000

The Apocalypse turned out to be a proper family fun day. I was pleased with the turn-out, although many of you were conspicuous by your absence. If you haven’t got a sick note you would be best advised to stay out of my way for a while. We inflicted heavy casualties on The Earth Keepers in an ambush at the porta-loos although they were a nuisance, holding siege to our Armoury for the best part of the day.

The Lich King didn’t prove to be as much of an asset as I had first imagined. He arrived first thing in a box from Amazon. Turns out he is only three inches tall, his army even smaller, and made of the most brittle plastic. Reminds me of the time I tried online dating; photos can be so deceptive, can’t they? Once animated, he did manage to inflict some crippling big toe injuries to the disgusting Earth Keepers, so we thank him for his contribution. I believe highlights from the battle were captured by the acclaimed documentary maker Lance Ambleton in the form of a podcast which will shortly be available to download from my website – www.apocalypsewar.co.uk.

To be fair, this online recruitment campaign has been a massive success and we hope you’ll all turn up next week for Apocalypse II. However, I must stress that the beatings will not cease until morale is improved.

6 6 6 (also my birthday)

bugroupq — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 15:46:38 +0000

THE 6TH HOUR OF THE 6TH DAY OF THE 6TH MONTH HERALDS THE DAWNING OF THE APOCALYPSE!!! We will meet on the village green outside the Community Centre and the plan is to emanate from there to more epic, global proportions by tea time. Don’t be late.

Guest Post from Apocalypsewar.co.uk

bugroupq — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 14:36:30 +0000

Time is running out for you, my friend. The date and location of the preliminary battles of The Apocalypse shall be announced on Saturday. If you have not yet pledged allegiance to The Forces of Darkness or The Earth Keepers then the chances are you will be brutally murdered for being a rubbish fence-sitter. That means spending eternity in LIMBO! If you think your life is boring now, imagine that x infinity! Click the join button below the crest of your choice at www.apocalypsewar.co.uk. Thank you.

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apocalypsewar.co.uk

Welcome! … To the Dark Side

bugroupq — Mon, 31 May 2010 16:12:12 +0000

Congratulations on making it this far. As The Dark Lord, I am committed to scourging the planet of everything I don’t like – all things good, pure and beautiful, cheesy pop ballads and my ex-girlfriend. Of all people, I realise that it isn’t easy being bad, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to be diabolical. If you are unsure as to whether you are up to the job, I have devised a little scenario that might help you make up your mind. It will also give you an insight as to the calibre of soldier required for my mighty Forces of Darkness:

Returning from a pleasant walk on the beach, where you have been stomping on children’s sandcastles and not picking up after your dog, you discover your neighbour frolicking with a lady who is not his wife in the sand dunes. He offers you a substantial financial settlement to secure your silence. Do you:

a). Spout off about the sanctity of marriage and make it your mission to convince him of the error of his ways.
b). Reject his offer with outrage before self-righteously marching off to tell his wife at the earliest opportunity.
c). Accept the money and hold your tongue.
d). Accept the money and tell his wife anyway, you never know, she might be dishing out rewards too.

The good news is if you answered “b” or “c” there is definitely a place for you in my army. If you answered “d” then please see my secretary, Maureen Lavender, for enrolment into my fast-track officer training programme. If you went with ‘a’ then my army is probably not the best career for you unless ‘frontline cannon fodder’ is your ideal job.

The Earth King would have you believe that my vision for our future is not in mankind’s best interests. We must not tolerate his arrogance; he hasn’t even suggested a referendum or anything. So join with me today because the time and date of The Apocalypse is soon to be announced. Together we will rid the world of the vile Earth King, his hippy army and any fence-sitters we encounter along the way.

Thank you, my beloved dark angels.